Someone Else

So it's been an interesting couple of days. I hope I'm not the only that feels like they fuck up every twenty minutes in their relationship. You know that the whole of it isn't your problem; as a matter of fact, most of the time, it's a 50/50 thing. It just seems like their wouldn't be a "thing" if I would just keep my mouth shut and I wouldn't hold grudges. It's aweful. It's going to have to be something that I am continually working on. I'm okay with that, as long as I make progress. But on the other hand, I just keep making the same damn mistakes over and over and over. It's like, God Cassie, when are you going to learn? It's just alot harder than it seems sometimes. I don't want to completely blame being hormonal for all the shit that I've been putting John through, but lately it's like I don't even know myself. *Sighs*

I'm having all those weird feelings that you read about in the pregnancy books that you never think you'll have... it worries me. I feel so guilty for thinking this, but I've honestly thought that, "what if I have a boy, and I don't like it as much as I would have liked a girl?" Or what if something happens to the baby and it's deformed or mentally slow and I don't love it like I should. Oh my God, I feel like the worst mother-to-be in the world. I feel like nobody else even BEGINS to think the stuff that I've thought. God, I really need to meet some women who are going through this too. Then I can find out if I'm a complete freak.

I've been staying over at my Mom's for the past few days. My house accidentally got exterminated (it's a long story) and now I can't go home because of the chemicals. The doc said it wasn't safe. I'm gonna wait it out over here at the folks place till the fumes clear and then go home, and be alone... again. John's in Ohio. What a surprise right? They are sending him there all the time now. It's hard to think that every month he spends like a week out there. Woof. I'm so glad that he HAS a job though. Shit, that we BOTH have jobs that pay worth a damn, we both have cars, a house with 3 rooms and a backyard, parents who are close and love us, good friends (and willing soon-to-be babysitters), and most importantly... eachother. We go through rough times (especially as of recently) but we seem to pull through it everytime. We've decided that we are going to talk to some people about getting misc. things straightened out, and I'm really looking forward to the long term rewards of these discussions. I'm joining my Mom and Ron's life group on Thursday's after work and school (haha- I'm so f'ing busy) and I think that's going to be a huge help. We are going to build community with others and get support through these times. I no longer need raves or parties to make me feel like I'm part of society. I need people who care about me and John, I need Christians that have been through what we are going through. We are going to get those things and God's going to guide us exactly to where he wants us. I have surrendered this pregnancy and relationship to him, and he's working miracles everyday. They may be small, but they are definately there. It's hard though. It's one of the hardest things to take yourself out of your comfort zone and think about someone besides YOURSELF for more than any small amount of time. I love the thought of giving control of my life to my Savior. To know that his will will be done, and I really don't have to do much more than try my hardest to walk with Him.

John's with me 110% on this, and it's going to be so good for us... and the baby.

Forgotten

I always get the shaft. I'm tired of investing myself into things that just crap out in the end. I'll meet new people in my community, maybe perhaps even new expectant Moms. That would be awesome. Someone who understands what it's like to be me right now. I'm looking forward to my new life and to our daughter. I'm not 20 anymore and I can't be the person I used to be. If people stop liking me because of that, they are the ones missing out. I'm not gonna be sad anymore and I'm tired of crying. I went to my Mom's after work yesterday and got alot off my chest. I cried all the way to her house, at her house and then on the way home. Got home... watched tv for a while alone, then went to bed alone. I'm tired of feeling alone. It was a feeling I thought I had finally abandoned. Boy, was I wrong. At least I know that family will always be there for me. Always. They are my rock.

Let Week 9 Begin

I feel really guilty about not going to school tonight. Part of me doesn't really care though. I was so sick to my stomach all damn day, and all I really did was let John take care of me and sleep. My teacher is pretty cool though... so I don't think that he will drop me or anything for not going tonight. I will make sure that I stay caught up on the homework (that he doesn't make us turn in) and I should be good to go. I had my second prenatal visit this morning. It was really quick. Dr. McKernan said everything looks great and then I had a few questions that I wanted to ask him and that was really about it. He is such a great Doc. He is obsessed with Napoleon Dynamite and has a life size cut out of him in his exam room. Hahhaa. It's pretty funny when you are lying down and he's "checkin things out down there" and all that you can see is the top of your Doc's head and Napoleon staring you down. It's definately a good conversation piece. Anyhow, yeah, the appointment went well. I got the All Clear to travel out to Peru to see my Dad this Oct... and lemme tell you what, I am so excited about that. :) Oh and one more thing. I am really sad about Steve Irwin dying. He just seemed like such a good guy that honestly had his heart invested in nature like nobody else. It's so sad. I can't even imagine how his wife must be feeling right now. It's honestly so sad. God bless em'. Time to get me s'more nappy. Cass

Love Me Some Baby Pictures

So yesterday I had my first ultrasound pictures taken, and oh boy, was that a totally surreal deal. We got to hear the heartbeat and all that, which is totally awesome. The tech was really nice and printed out a few photos for John and I. As soon as John got ahold of em', he was like, "I wanna take one to work with me for my desk!" Aww. How sweet is that? I have my second prenatal visit on Tuesday and I'm not sure exactly what goes on with that one but it should be interesting. I hope they don't measure me or anything. My fat (real fat, not "I'm having a baby fat") is gross and I want it to stretch out a little more before they throw a measuring tape around me. Haha. I'm stupid, I know. When we were at the doc's yesterday, holy cow, man... there are some OBESE pregnant women. I'm talking like, if they weren't at a preggers dr.'s office, I woulda just thought they were exceptionally fat. I'm just glad that I don't look like that. I mean I'm definately not perfect, but I'm not a cow either.

Here's the pic! (I'm 8 weeks, 2 days) 190 lbs.