Someone Else

So it's been an interesting couple of days. I hope I'm not the only that feels like they fuck up every twenty minutes in their relationship. You know that the whole of it isn't your problem; as a matter of fact, most of the time, it's a 50/50 thing. It just seems like their wouldn't be a "thing" if I would just keep my mouth shut and I wouldn't hold grudges. It's aweful. It's going to have to be something that I am continually working on. I'm okay with that, as long as I make progress. But on the other hand, I just keep making the same damn mistakes over and over and over. It's like, God Cassie, when are you going to learn? It's just alot harder than it seems sometimes. I don't want to completely blame being hormonal for all the shit that I've been putting John through, but lately it's like I don't even know myself. *Sighs*

I'm having all those weird feelings that you read about in the pregnancy books that you never think you'll have... it worries me. I feel so guilty for thinking this, but I've honestly thought that, "what if I have a boy, and I don't like it as much as I would have liked a girl?" Or what if something happens to the baby and it's deformed or mentally slow and I don't love it like I should. Oh my God, I feel like the worst mother-to-be in the world. I feel like nobody else even BEGINS to think the stuff that I've thought. God, I really need to meet some women who are going through this too. Then I can find out if I'm a complete freak.

I've been staying over at my Mom's for the past few days. My house accidentally got exterminated (it's a long story) and now I can't go home because of the chemicals. The doc said it wasn't safe. I'm gonna wait it out over here at the folks place till the fumes clear and then go home, and be alone... again. John's in Ohio. What a surprise right? They are sending him there all the time now. It's hard to think that every month he spends like a week out there. Woof. I'm so glad that he HAS a job though. Shit, that we BOTH have jobs that pay worth a damn, we both have cars, a house with 3 rooms and a backyard, parents who are close and love us, good friends (and willing soon-to-be babysitters), and most importantly... eachother. We go through rough times (especially as of recently) but we seem to pull through it everytime. We've decided that we are going to talk to some people about getting misc. things straightened out, and I'm really looking forward to the long term rewards of these discussions. I'm joining my Mom and Ron's life group on Thursday's after work and school (haha- I'm so f'ing busy) and I think that's going to be a huge help. We are going to build community with others and get support through these times. I no longer need raves or parties to make me feel like I'm part of society. I need people who care about me and John, I need Christians that have been through what we are going through. We are going to get those things and God's going to guide us exactly to where he wants us. I have surrendered this pregnancy and relationship to him, and he's working miracles everyday. They may be small, but they are definately there. It's hard though. It's one of the hardest things to take yourself out of your comfort zone and think about someone besides YOURSELF for more than any small amount of time. I love the thought of giving control of my life to my Savior. To know that his will will be done, and I really don't have to do much more than try my hardest to walk with Him.

John's with me 110% on this, and it's going to be so good for us... and the baby.